Funeral with a View Read online

  “You loooooove her.”

  I shook my head, a grin on my lips. “Is it that obvious?”

  “Go on. Say it, kid. Embarrassed?”

  “Yeah, I love her.”

  “Heh. Not so hard, right?” I shook my head. “Good.” He turned around, rested his elbows on the railing, staring into the distance at the bloated sun making its final decent over the trees. “Blood don’t always mean everything, Rick. The ones you’d do anything for, not because ya feel obligated, but because you wanna? That’s what makes ‘em family.” With a toss of the head, he drained the last of his drink. “Looks to me like you got a good thing goin’. Don’t make a balls up of it.”

  My opinion of the old coot changed for the better that day. Who could have known that breaking his awnry demeanor was only an issue of free beer?

  ~~~

  By the time we’d finished unpacking the cars and getting everything into the apartment, night had fallen. The air was crisp and colorful leaves rustled against the sidewalk, courtesy of the cool autumn breeze. Bill took off, most likely to spend the rest of the night with Miss Right Now Mandy. Cat and I started an over/under pool on how long it would last. Mean? Yes. Fun? You betcha.

  “Ricky, you have so much spyware on this computer it’s amazing the thing even starts up.” Cat was clacking away at my PC while I tucked some of her things into the kitchen drawers.

  “Why do you think I asked you to move in, dear? You can make my meals and attend to all of my computer-related needs.” Living with an IT professional had its advantages.

  “I’d always thought you just wanted me for my body.”

  “Fringe benefit.”

  “Anyway, I’ve cleaned this sucker up and I’m updating your antivirus. You won’t have to worry about a bug creeping in and screwing up any of your work files when you’re sneaking porn.”

  “Never touch the stuff.”

  “Lies.”

  “I get lonely when you’re not around.”

  Silence.

  “Thank you, Catherine. You’re the best, dear.”

  “I know.”

  “I promise to only watch porn with you, honeymuffinbooboo.”

  “That’s better.”

  Cat resumed her clacking. I took advantage of the distraction and skulked into the master bedroom. I had a little something special secreted away in the closet, something for our very first night living together under the same roof.

  “Hey, Cat? Can you come to the bedroom for a second? I have a housewarming present for you.”

  “Whatcha got? Oh. Wow.”

  I leaned against the wall, holding a frilly silk negligee; red with black trim, cut high around the outer thighs, low in the bust. Slinky. Sexy. Expensive.

  “Ricky, that’s gorgeous.” She rubbed the supple fabric reverently between finger and thumb. “Where’d you get it?”

  “Being the lead ad designer for a high end adult lingerie boutique has its perks.” I smiled. “Helena’s Heaven, um, lent me some samples so I could get a feel for their products. I figured it would look much better on you than me. Consider yourself a beta tester.” I passed it to her, and it spilled over her hands like a red waterfall. “I thought we could take care of two things at once.” She met my eyes. “You know, put it through its paces for the customer—cause I’m all about customer satisfaction—annnnd,” I placed my hands on her hips and kissed her neck, “maybe christen some of the rooms of our place. I tried to think of a better plan for our first night as roomies, and I think this one’s the best, wouldn’t you agree?”

  “I agree wholeheartedly,” she purred.

  “Oops. One other thing.” I ran back to the closet and collected something else from my hidey hole.

  Cat laughed, and her eyes glinted with playfulness. “Crotchless panties?”

  “Hands off. These are for me.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Yes. No. Maybe?”

  “All this time and I had no idea you were so kinky. Either way, we’ll just have to give these a thorough test, now won’t we?” She nibbled my ear. “Wouldn’t want to give your client anything less than our full effort.”

  I watched her strip and don the lingerie. It fit like a glove.

  Cat took me by the hand and led me to the bed where we tested the shit out of that lingerie. It met with our immediate approval … all three times. And not once did Mr. Jameson bang on the wall.

  Win win.

  CHAPTER 26

  Holy shit. I can’t believe it. He’s actually here. Mr. Jameson totters in, making his way down the aisle with deliberate care. His tattered, gray suit hangs off his frail skeleton, and a gnarled hand clutches a cane. Several white strands atop a liver spotted head are all that remains of his hair.

  I’m so touched words fail me. Catherine and I lived in that apartment only a few years, but for that short period my gruff neighbor had become a fixture in our lives, especially in the warmer months when he knew he’d find us kicking back on the porch with a few drinks.

  Catherine sees him. She stands up slowly, obviously as surprised as I am.

  “Mr. Jameson,” she whispers, wrapping him in a hug. “Thank you so much for coming. Ricky would have loved knowing you came.”

  He clears his throat, uncomfortable with the display of emotion, but makes no move to separate himself. “It’s nothin’, young lady. I saw the obit in the paper. Had to come pay my respects. You two were always nice and respectful to this old bird and I never forgot it. When you get to be my age, friends don’t linger very long.”

  Mr. Jameson gives his condolences to my mother—they’ve met on several occasions—and says hello to Jude. “Mind if I take a look?” he says, pointing with his free hand.

  “The remembrance montage?” Catherine says. “No, of course not.” Taking him by the elbow, the two slowly walk over to the display. “You’re in a few of these.”

  Mr. Jameson puts on a pair of thick glasses straight out of a Civil War museum. “I’ll be. I remember some of these. That one there was when you first moved into his place. Didn’t I take that one? And that one, all of us that first Christmas? Can’t believe you got me to wear that silly Santa hat.”

  Mr. Jameson had almost smiled in that picture. Almost.

  “Where is that big walking wall anyway? Bill, was it?”

  “He’s on his way.” She’s lying, I can tell. Cat doesn’t know where he is any more than I do.

  “Thanks for the trip down Memory Lane. Now I need to go sit, find a place to rest this old rump. I ain’t as sturdy as I used to be.”

  Catherine smiles patiently and helps him to a seat, then rejoins her sister up front.

  “I’m going to go see if Rob needs some relief,” Jude says. “The kids have to be running him ragged by now. And my butt’s getting numb.”

  She walks out the back and after several minutes Rob enters, seeming none the worse for wear from having dealt with three rambunctious kids most of the morning. Not that he would complain. That was never Rob’s way.

  I notice the door is still open. Sun trickles in, as does a group of dry leaves caught in an invisible whirlwind. There’s the sound of laughter, light and childish. I glide over in hopes of seeing Celeste, but the door closes in front of me and I’m cut off from the outside world once again.

  Rob sits down next to my wife and straightens out his perfectly tailored three-piece Italian suit. My brother-in-law was always a believer in presenting the picture of success, once telling me, “You don’t become the head of your own sporting goods chain dressed like a mechanic. No offense to mechanics.”

  Rob has been gifted with the secret knowledge of youth. He’s about eight years older than Jude but looks no older than I do … did. Not one speck of gray has infiltrated his thick head of curly black hair.

  He adjusts his wire-rimmed glasses. Despite all his success, he’s never found a pair that fits him correctly. “How are you holding up, Cat?”

  “Mr. Jameson just showed up. He was our neigh
bor when we lived in Ricky’s old apartment.” She shakes her head. “Things were so simple back then, Rob. No drama. No … problems.”

  So she has been thinking the same things as me. I do know my wife well. Suddenly, I don’t feel so alone in this.

  Rob smiles. “The good old days.”

  “Yes. Before everything went off the rails,” Cat whispers.

  “You can’t think like that. That’s not what Rick would have wanted. What couple doesn’t have their issues? You have to try to focus on the good times, Cat.”

  “And Celeste.”

  He nods. “You two raised a wonderful girl. No matter what happened, the end result is the same: she loved Rick and he loved her.”

  Catherine nods somberly. “How’s she doing out there?”

  “Still playing with her cousins. She keeps asking about Rick. And about Uncle Bill.” Celeste had started calling Bill ‘Uncle’ as soon as she could form the word.

  Catherine fingers her C&R charm bracelet. “Uncle Bill.”

  “Still a no show?”

  “Still a no show.”

  CHAPTER 27

  It was the following March, only a few weeks before Rob and Jude’s wedding. He and I were at my desk at Colbert & Colbert.

  Shortly after New Year’s, he’d struck up a conversation with me, expressing his disenchantment with his current advertisers.

  “The chain is doing well,” he’d said, “but I think Curring’s Sports World could do even better.”

  “Have you considered a name change?”

  He eyed me, and chewed on the idea. “I’m not opposed to it. What did you have in mind?”

  And that’s how The Fore Seasons was born. Once I’d pitched the name, Rob asked me to work up a few graphics. He liked what I brought to the table and fired his long-time advertising firm. He opened up a contract with my firm not long after, with the explicit stipulation I be in charge of the contract and all designs. The brass were impressed. Between bringing a new client on board, the ongoing contract with Helena’s Heaven, and several others, I’d been making a name for myself.

  Rob and I had been pouring over mock-ups all morning.

  “Nervous about the wedding?” I asked.

  “Getting there.” He smiled and slid his glasses back up his nose. “I’ve been close before, but never this close.”

  “Oh stop. You two are perfect together. I’m always catching Jude looking at you with those big doe eyes of hers. Don’t let the pre-wedding jitters get to you. It’ll pass.”

  “I’m sure it will.” He took a cloth from the breast pocket of his expensive suit and cleaned an insignificant smudge from his lenses. Leaning in, he peered at my monitor. “This is some good stuff you have, Rick. I appreciate all the effort.”

  “It’s what I do, Rob. You know … I’m thinking of asking Cat to marry me.”

  Rob stopped leafing through the storefront ideas I’d generated, and his glasses began their downward slide. Brown eyes assessed me over the rims. “Really.”

  “Really really. We’ve been dating over a year now. Everything’s great. You know what we’ve been through, but that’s way behind us. We couldn’t be happier.”

  Cat and I had settled into an easy routine, and the months living under the same roof were filled with wonderful times. We dressed up as Han Solo and Princess Leia for Halloween. We hosted our very own Thanksgiving. We woke up on Christmas morning and opened presents that sat under our own tree. We threw a New Year’s Eve party. Bill joined us … with someone who wasn’t Mandy. Every one of these occasions was made better by the fact that neither one of us had to leave when the night was over.

  “Anyway,” I said, “I’ve been saving my pennies for a few months and I think I have enough scrounged together for a nice ring. I took a couple trips to the mall and local jewelers, just to get an idea of what’s out there.”

  Rob made a face of revulsion and held up a hand. “Stop. Stop right there.”

  “What? Think it’s too soon? A year doesn’t sound all that long, but we’re good together.”

  “It’s not that. It’s not that at all. Don’t you dare buy her an engagement ring from a … mall.”

  “Why not? I’ve seen some pretty nice things.”

  “Those stores are shit.” Rob didn’t curse often. He had my attention. “They sell junk. Overpriced junk.”

  “Oh. I didn’t know that.”

  “Why would you? You’re just a kid, not wise in the ways of the world or jewelers.” He adjusted his glasses and I noticed his mouth twitch; he was having a bit of fun at my expense. “I know a place, Rick.” Rob produced a business card from his wallet and handed it to me. “They’re a wholesaler. That means less markup.”

  “The Diamond Exchange, Woodbridge, NJ.” The name ‘Malory’ was written on the back. “Never heard of it.”

  “Do you buy much jewelry, Rick?”

  “Historically speaking? No.”

  “Exactly my point. I’ve been going there for years. I know Malory quite well. The quality is top notch and the workmanship is stellar. You’ve seen Jude’s engagement ring?” I nodded. How could I miss it? It was a direct descendant of the Hope Diamond. Satisfied, Rob leaned back in the chair. “I rest my case.”

  Some help was definitely in order.

  “Do you think I can borrow your fiancé this weekend?” I said through a mouthful of fingernail.

  ~~~

  “Oh my God. I can’t believe you’re getting married!” Jude was on her tiptoes and had me wrapped in a bear hug. “I’m so happy for you guys.”

  “Well, it’s not official yet.” Butch sniffed my feet, wagging his tail. He’d stopped tackling me a long time ago. “I kind of have to ask her first. But I can’t do that without a ring. You know, the little details.”

  I’d managed to sneak out for the day, using Bill as an excuse. Catherine thought he and I were going mountain biking in the park. It was the best excuse I could come up with, and it worked like the proverbial charm.

  “That, Mr. Romantic, is why you’re bringing me.” Jude pulled away and I read the text stenciled on her T-shirt. I Got No Dough Cause I’m Poe. “You’ve come to the right place. I know diamonds, and I know Malory. We’re gonna kick ass and take names. Trust me.”

  We hopped in the car and headed north on the Jersey Turnpike toward Woodbridge.

  I checked my mirror, engaged the blinker, and passed a moving van.

  “Jude, I’m not trying to steal your thunder or anything. You know, with your wedding coming up?”

  She batted my apology out of the air. “Please. I know you better than that. But don’t ask her until we’re back from the honeymoon. You have my word that I’ll only be forced to kill you if you ask her before my big day.”

  The rest of the ride was filled with companionable chit-chat. I’d never spent much alone time with Jude and I enjoyed every minute of it. She rattled off the details of her wedding plans and admitted to experiencing some pre-wedding nerves. After she exhausted the nuptial topic, she put me in stitches with tales of her misspent youth. I nearly swerved into another lane when she spun a yarn about Mary Jo and The Colonel catching her in the hot tub. With a naked boy. Smoking pot, amongst other things.

  “I thought my dad was going to shit a solid gold brick. I could practically see the steam coming out of his ears.” She laughed. “If he only knew half the crap Cat and I got up to as kids we’d probably still be in a nunnery in parts unknown.”

  That was an image I couldn’t quite wrap my head around.

  ~~~

  “Jude, so good to see you again.” The voice belonged to a handsome woman in her forties, dressed to the nines in black and decked out in diamonds. She and Jude leaned over the glass display case and hugged.

  “Malory, how are you? This strapping young man is my future brother-in-law, Rick.”

  “She hasn’t said yes yet,” I offered. “Nice to meet you, Malory. Rick Franchitti.”

  “Likewise, Rick. Your intended hasn’t
said yes yet, but after I set you up she won’t be able to say no.”

  “From your lips.”

  “Shall we get started?”

  “I’m all yours.”

  Malory educated me on the finer points of diamonds: cut, clarity, color. We browsed case after case of shiny baubles until I picked out a generously sized round cut. She complimented me on my eye. I’m sure Jude would have, too, if she hadn’t been transfixed on the gem as it diffracted the light. That was as good a litmus test as any. I’d picked a winner.

  Next came settings. For the better part of two hours I peered into every case in the store, studying every ring they offered. I wanted it to be perfect. The standout by far was a platinum band, encrusted with small, round cut diamonds that wrapped their way up either side like a vine.

  I tapped the glass counter. “That’s it. That’s the one. It’s perfect.”

  Malory smiled and pulled it from the black felt display rack. Using tweezers, she set my chosen diamond in the setting.

  “Ricky, that’s gorgeous,” breathed Jude. “Cat is going to love it. Shit.” She wiped away a tear. “I’m going to cry right in the middle of the damn store. I’m such a girl.”

  “You like it? I did good?”

  “Rick, if you put that ring on my finger I’d marry you.” That got a laugh out of Malory. “I don’t like it, I love it. Cat’ll love it, too. No doubt in my mind.” She gave me a small peck on the cheek.

  “Well, I guess that’s that.” I turned to Malory. “I’ll take that one to go.”

  ~~~

  Jude and I pulled up to the Maddox complex shortly after dinnertime. She and Rob hadn’t been kidding when they said Malory would take care of me. I won’t get into the exact numbers, but I made out pretty well. That didn’t keep me from clutching my chest as I wrote the biggest check of my life. Malory thought it was funny. She would. She worked on commission. On the porch, I wrapped Jude in my own bear hug. “Thanks again for tagging along, Jude. I appreciate it. You were a huge help. What’s a guy like me know about engagement rings?”